confession of a mother of three, but no one has ever called me, "Mom".

I now have three children that no one will ever know. No one will ever look at them and smile, read them a book, help them tie their shoes, teach them a bible verse, or comment on how cute they look in their clothes. But, my heavenly father knows them and knew them for the few short days/weeks that they spent in my womb. In a way, I'm glad that they will never know the hardships of this life, the cruelty of our human race, or the teasing of another. I am thankful that I will never have to discipline them because they were born sinful. However, I am sad and even angry that I will not hold them against my skin, give them spit baths before church on sundays, read them our Jesus Storybook Bible, or tell them, "I love you." I will never get to help them raise money for a mission trip, pray for them to be missionaries, or encourage them to go serve the poor in our community. They will never know how much I already loved and prayed for them. At times, I am mad at God's Providence. I am mad that I keep losing child after child with no explanation. I am mad that pregnancy is no longer joyous, exciting, and wonderful for me. It is terrifying, hurtful, and heartbreaking. Last week, I stood in the shower and just gritted my teeth, cried, and squeezed the life out of my loofah. I was so mad and disappointed. Satan used that time to point out every single thing that I know is wrong with me. He also used things from my past and things that I knew were not true to keep killing me for about thirty minutes. Finally, I cried out and told God how angry that I was but that I didn't want to be. Immediately-God flooded my mind with how much He loved me, chose me, sent Jesus to die for me, and wanted me. Life is too short and I have too many amazing and wonderful things going on for this to pull me under. This might have been the lowest that I've ever been. I can only remember one other night feeling this way--and I was on drugs and drunk at that point with no hope. I remember feeling like I could go either way--and I closed my eyes and decided I didn't care. Thank God that I now have hope in Christ. I care about what happens tomorrow and the 22 little Superheroes in my class. Now, I can be sad or angry, but I'm never alone or without encouragement from the Word of God. I'm never without the promise of the perfection of Heaven or a Savior that did not give me what I deserve. I got up the next morning feeling pretty crummy but after reading Romans 8-I was able to face the day. I clung to "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." My joy was renewed and thankfully my cup ran over all. day. long. as we partied, danced, and did a little bit of work =D Later that evening, I watched 100's of children jump in and out of their cars in such sweet costumes. I watched their parents lovingly nudge them when they forgot to say "Thank you". I also saw children with bare arms and legs in thin costumes(my teeth were chattering), small children in terrifying costumes and makeup, and parents barely giving a second glance as their precious children crossed the busy streets by themselves. Do you see where I'm going? It made me sad and mad all over again. I eat right, take several vitamins, sleep well, pay my bills with money that I work for, and would always care for my child-yet here I am bearing the burden of losing baby after baby. My prayer is that I can fight this anger with the love of Christ-just as I did the other night. I pray that I continue to preach the Gospel to myself and that I truly listen to the Gospel when given by others. I pray that I will not be angry with society or that I would not covet the children that they have. It's God's Providence that three children do not call me mom. It's God's Providence that he loves me and that as devastating as I think this is---it would be more devastating to never know the love of Christ or to not be adopted by God, or to be left alone. So, as these circumstances unfold in my life, I am encouraged and challenged to use this for God's Glory. I don't exactly know what that looks like, but I suppose it starts with admitting how I feel and sharing how God is changing my heart sometimes on a minute by minute, thought by thought basis. This is my confession...a confession of a mother of three, but no one has ever called me, "Mom".