confession of a mother of three, but no one has ever called me, "Mom".

I now have three children that no one will ever know. No one will ever look at them and smile, read them a book, help them tie their shoes, teach them a bible verse, or comment on how cute they look in their clothes. But, my heavenly father knows them and knew them for the few short days/weeks that they spent in my womb. In a way, I'm glad that they will never know the hardships of this life, the cruelty of our human race, or the teasing of another. I am thankful that I will never have to discipline them because they were born sinful. However, I am sad and even angry that I will not hold them against my skin, give them spit baths before church on sundays, read them our Jesus Storybook Bible, or tell them, "I love you." I will never get to help them raise money for a mission trip, pray for them to be missionaries, or encourage them to go serve the poor in our community. They will never know how much I already loved and prayed for them. At times, I am mad at God's Providence. I am mad that I keep losing child after child with no explanation. I am mad that pregnancy is no longer joyous, exciting, and wonderful for me. It is terrifying, hurtful, and heartbreaking. Last week, I stood in the shower and just gritted my teeth, cried, and squeezed the life out of my loofah. I was so mad and disappointed. Satan used that time to point out every single thing that I know is wrong with me. He also used things from my past and things that I knew were not true to keep killing me for about thirty minutes. Finally, I cried out and told God how angry that I was but that I didn't want to be. Immediately-God flooded my mind with how much He loved me, chose me, sent Jesus to die for me, and wanted me. Life is too short and I have too many amazing and wonderful things going on for this to pull me under. This might have been the lowest that I've ever been. I can only remember one other night feeling this way--and I was on drugs and drunk at that point with no hope. I remember feeling like I could go either way--and I closed my eyes and decided I didn't care. Thank God that I now have hope in Christ. I care about what happens tomorrow and the 22 little Superheroes in my class. Now, I can be sad or angry, but I'm never alone or without encouragement from the Word of God. I'm never without the promise of the perfection of Heaven or a Savior that did not give me what I deserve. I got up the next morning feeling pretty crummy but after reading Romans 8-I was able to face the day. I clung to "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." My joy was renewed and thankfully my cup ran over all. day. long. as we partied, danced, and did a little bit of work =D Later that evening, I watched 100's of children jump in and out of their cars in such sweet costumes. I watched their parents lovingly nudge them when they forgot to say "Thank you". I also saw children with bare arms and legs in thin costumes(my teeth were chattering), small children in terrifying costumes and makeup, and parents barely giving a second glance as their precious children crossed the busy streets by themselves. Do you see where I'm going? It made me sad and mad all over again. I eat right, take several vitamins, sleep well, pay my bills with money that I work for, and would always care for my child-yet here I am bearing the burden of losing baby after baby. My prayer is that I can fight this anger with the love of Christ-just as I did the other night. I pray that I continue to preach the Gospel to myself and that I truly listen to the Gospel when given by others. I pray that I will not be angry with society or that I would not covet the children that they have. It's God's Providence that three children do not call me mom. It's God's Providence that he loves me and that as devastating as I think this is---it would be more devastating to never know the love of Christ or to not be adopted by God, or to be left alone. So, as these circumstances unfold in my life, I am encouraged and challenged to use this for God's Glory. I don't exactly know what that looks like, but I suppose it starts with admitting how I feel and sharing how God is changing my heart sometimes on a minute by minute, thought by thought basis. This is my confession...a confession of a mother of three, but no one has ever called me, "Mom".

confessions of ....coming back..

I've been so terrible at this blogging thing....for a long time. And I apologize for this shortcoming. I can give a million excuses, but the truth being told-God is using me and has given me many opportunities to serve the ministries He has set before me for this year. My nights are full of serving the International Jr. High Girls (whom I LOVE), attending a Brasilian Bible Study, SMASH (the international student ministry we have every friday night), staff fellowships, and running almost daily with my roommate, Lauren. The Leadership of SMASH also meets every Sunday afternoon to prepare for the Smash meetings-to talk about the student, and to begin to go through "Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life" by Donald Whitney AND to go through a book of the Bible together. I work with the most amazing people! Our student ministry goes up and down-we are facing many barriers with the students-them being lackluster in their faith and just indifferent to the things of the Lord. We're continually surprised by their attitudes and just praying that God sends a revival to our school. We need it desperately in our student body.

On that note-our school continues to grow, but we are also losing students at the same time-seemingly very sudden for the last month. Many of our African families are sending their sons back to their home countries to attend boarding schools with families. Their embassy's are having problems affording even "sending" their families home. Some situations are just very difficult and unique. Many of these African families are torn apart by the job opportunities for husbands and wives. I have a five year old that is suffering the loss of his mother....the opportunities are so good for him here, but the sacrifice is that she has to live there while he lives here with his father. He misses his mom so very much-I can see it in his crocodile tears about every other day.

I recently started a Bible passage memorization self proclaimed plan. We are going through 1 Timothy in our leadership group-so each week I take 4-6 verses and memorize them from that chapter. I don't think I've ever felt the urgency to memorize in this way. I am finding myself enjoying the time I have in the word and on the meditation of the verses in hopes that I can hide them in my heart for conviction, for counseling, and to glorify the Lord. It is good to be able to quote scripture to yourself....to have your sword in your head. =)

Please pray for our school. Next year will be a big year for us. We will welcome a completely new administration including the Curriculum Coordinator, Principal, and Business Manager positions. This is almost every position we have on the Administration team. I know God is already working in those that He wants here. He has called me here for at least another year and I feel extremely blessed. I reiterate that I think about going home, but I dream about staying here.

Incredibly, God is allowing me to adapt to many different things. He continues to teach me and guide me through His Word and many corrections of sin that surfaces as I face trials. Please pray that I can encourage people here and love them like He would love them. I'm praying that I can see people in this way-the way He does and point them to Him. I mean, that's the only reason I am on this earth. So why is it so hard sometimes? In our society,self centeredness is like a virtue now....fight it, fight it, fight it....with godliness which should be God centered and therefore caring for others more than myself....a mystery indeed how...

He was manifested in the flesh, vindicated by the Spirit, seen by angels, proclaimed to all the nations, believed on in the world, taken up to glory.

How I cannot wait to see him....to know more of this mystery!

confessions on that last post....

so-I poured my frustrations into a short poem-if you could call it that.....

because I could not express how much last week hurt. It hurt to hear the

coaching she is receiving in her home and how they've told her that she is

not to pray anymore.

they are such an incredible family and they really love BIS (they've told us

numerous times) but they are waging war against God. That, my friends, breaks

my heart. I remember last Friday as I sat at my desk as I realized (as I often do)

how great God is and that I need to be praying more for this family.



There are many reasons for us to be praying and God is using these reasons to

bring us to our knees and earnestly cry out to him for reconciliation, wisdom,

understanding, freedom from fear, and many other things.

Our staff is burdened with what is going to happen in the next few weeks as we will start to say our goodbyes to 2 staff members. This issue alone is causing many people stress as well as a blanket of anxiety amongst some of them. Our administration is seeking the Lord in all of these things-but I can't imagine what they are dealing with at this time. I am very impressed with their communication and how they've gone about this. It can't be easy to have started the school year with a full staff only to let 2 of them go.



Riding on the tails of all of this came the sad news of cancer. Our Biology Teacher, Beverly Fryar (who is an amazing and dear friend of mine) received a phone call that her mother has cancer. The test results have been coming back with more and more serious tones. Beverly is a cancer survivor herself and worked as an oncology nurse before she came to BIS. All of this knowledge creates a good foundation for next steps, treatments, and also the understanding of the severity of her disease. Please pray for them as they discern what God is leading and directing them to do. Mr. Fryar is our Business Manager and their son, Caleb, is a very important part of his 1st grade classroom. Mr. Fryar is also the Youth Minister for the International Baptist Church. They are and have been such a blessing in my life. They are always there to encourage me, give me rides, let me borrow their car, and really pouring into my life here. They've been been sent to pour into my life using scripture, love, joy, hope, and comfort to name a few. Please pray for them during this time.



I received a new student-little (really really tall) Betuel. He is really really SWEET! He knows little to no English and he is from Namibia. He is beginning to come out of the silent stage and explore with lots more curiousity! I am excited to be working with him. Please pray for quick understanding of English and learning his alphabet to catch up with his classmates. =)



Our annual Christmas Program is coming up-a clear presentation of the Gospel to all families. They will come to see their children perform and in the midst-they will hear about Jesus. We will perform "The Christmas Lamb" this year. A little boy goes all over the world looking for the Jesus. We get to spotlight each continent (which is neat with the unique make up of our school). Please pray that I will help the students understand the real meaning of Christmas-that they can recognize Jesus' Birth as the true meaning of Christmas. I've been reading a book by Noel Piper "Treasuring God in Our Traditions" and I've gotten several ideas to use with my students.

Speaking of reading, I also read, "Faithful Women & Their Extraordinary God" also by Noel Piper. She highlights some amazing women and it made me realize and re-realize many things about this life. This book helped me understand how they were so faithful in their sufferings and even looked forward/prepared for sufferings. Oh how I can learn from that.

Abba, Father,
You know the cries and different types of pain that these requests bring to my life. Some pain comes in rejoicing over a believer who will show Your glory in suffering.....and some will come with a response in many prayers for wisdom, comfort, and peace. Thank you for Your hope, for Your comfort, and for Your Son. I don't know what I would do without him. Thank you for choosing me and for loving me. Thank you for my beautiful parents through whom you sent some books to help me. Thank you for faithful prayer warriors and friends. Thank you for 17 days to focus on Jesus and how He began his human life. Please help my classroom and my life to be centered around Him. You are doing so much in life-please continue to discipline and show me how You want me to live.
Amen.

"I am not Christian."
"I am not going to pray anymore."
These are the words that two days ago began....
and haven't since stopped breaking my heart.
Slowly it seems like the pages are slipping from my fingers
as it feels like this book is closing and that the 1 true God
is not longer allowed in.

I must see His Sovereignty.
I must love that attribute.
He is not lost or out of control...I know this.....

I love this little girl and her Muslim faith is breaking my heart.

confessions of 3 in 1.

I have much to be thankful for-even in the unknown, the trials, and the mysteries of this life-I am thankful. Sometimes it is difficult and I find myself wondering---what is going on here? I am all too quickly reminded that I have a purpose here and now-no matter what happens tomorrow or next month or next year.

We were given the news that we need 20 students or there is a possibility of termination of two positions. I don't know that I heard anything after that. No, it isn't the end of the world but it is causing me to pray diligently to our Lord specifically for more students. I don't think any of us realized that our situation was this dire. All of the other teachers are on a different visa now because the government no longer offers the type of visa that I received (to our school). So the school is now having to manage in a way that depends on students being there (whereas before it wasn't so much of a big deal because all teachers were here on support and the school only had to fund their housing/bills). So-in saying all of this-we need students, as we watch more and more go to their next assignments as this is their transition year. We have had some sweet students come in and God has definitely blessed us in this area. He definitely knows what we need and when we need it. It may be that he desires we work with less teachers and with less "other" things that the school has been able to afford in the past. But it could be that He is drawing us closer as we pray for these things and in December-we will have a full preschool program. This week, we had two children sign up for December! Praise the Lord! Starting either in late December or January-I will have a 3 year old and a 4 year old!!! 4 students! There are rumors of 2 more from the US---and our C.E.E.D (the bilingual preschool program) campaign will go out in 35,000 newspapers on Sunday. We have many leads but we know that God will ultimately send who He wants to BIS. Please continue to pray for this!!

Last weekend, we took some kids on a "survivor" retreat. We weren't sure what to expect, but what we got was far more. My beautiful green team was amazing! They could seriously be missionaries in the amazon! They threw together a shelter from 10 pieces of twill, 3 small garbage bags, and carried in all kinds of bamboo. I was so proud when we all got in and didn't get wet (you had to stay dry to win).

But the kicker came when we really started talking about making a stand and not just going through the motions-doing the hard things. 5 of our kids came up and said that they were ready. Yes. We go to a chrisitan school, but some of our students are not christians and I would venture to say that even more do not come from christian homes. So these "underdogs" as I like to call them-yes, they are from Christian families, but they are working overtime to be good examples-for most of the jr/sr. high population. Pray for them-they are such an amazing group of kids!

Going back to my class-I have two students-neither had no previous knowledge of God, Jesus, or the Bible. I am privileged to plant these seeds. I felt especially convicted during their snack time---like I should be filling that time with something. But what? Well, I am a lover of books-so I picked out a book one day and began to read. The book was A Picture of God 3 in 1 and WOW-did their antenaes purk up at this book. It is quite amazing that I read this book to them every single day and if I don't start by the time they both sit down-they are begging for it-while chomping on their apples that they now bring every single day. An apple has three parts. The peel, the flesh, and the core....but there is only 1 apple. God has three parts. God the Father, God the Son,a nd God the Holy Spirt....but theres is only 1 true God. Just an exerpt from this book...and they know all the parts. They know what parts make them happy-and the dark pages about sin make them sad. We've been reading this book for 2 1/2 weeks and they love it. You can pray for the little boy in my class-he is very sensitive to these things at this point. Please pray for me as I continue to disciple him and talk to him about God. :)

Just a fun picture---one of my best friends here got married two weekends ago :) Raquel and Felipe (he teaches me slang)

My Brasilian sister, Rebeca on the left and my new roommate, Lauren, on the right :) Just a few of God's blessings in my life!

i think about coming home...but i dream about staying...

that is the truth. i dream about staying here. my heart is full of affections that i cannot explain nor do i want to try-i end up in a blubbery mess...

I sent out(yes, we don't send them back home-we equip them and send them out) my little Saudi Arabian last week-complete with a Bible and 1,000 pictures. I pray that he is transitioning well and using is Arabic and not his Arabi-guese that he used here. I pray that the four friends he talked about will be gracious to him...and I pray that he is reminded of God daily and how He loves him.

It is Spring here!!! It is still raining! Yay! God has been so good in providing a cool rain for us throughout the dry season! It is strange to some-but I rejoice in the odd weather!

Thank you for all your prayers-I am back on track with my Quiet Time-daily! I'm reading through the Bible again and it is even sweeter this time. I'm loving Exodus, Isaiah, Psalm, and Luke! I'm getting up diligently every morning to have this time with God. My days are not easy, but they are amazing because I know that I've prayed over them and that I'm being fed through the Word!

I started Smash Unplugged this week=the group of Jr High Girls that I disciple on a bi-weekly basis(I can see them at school-we just have our formal meetings every other Wed.). I wrestled with what to do with them and finally decided on the attributes of God. I'm using Wayne Grudem's 20 Questions book. We got through God "exists", "is knowable", and "is independent". I just wanted to be faithful to the Word and to God as I shared with the girls. I was nervous, but I loved how Grudem said (in not these exact words)--the more we know about God the more we know how he wants us to be. I think the biggest thing was how God was independent, he doesn't need us, and he is in every person because He has always been around. I'm really learning a lot and pondering many more thoughts as I prepare for these sessions with the girls :)


Lord,
Thank you for being all that you are and for allowing us to know some things and hiding the rest. For being independent and for humbling a servant as she understand more about dependence and less about her "worldly view on independence". Thank you for the opportunities to show others who You are and to watch them grow in their knowledge of You. I pray that they will treasure You and take the Truth to the ends of the earth. Help me to send them out well equipped and ready. I am not worthy, but you choose to use me. Thank you for this opportunity. I praise you-for I am the daughter you have formed, called, and forgotten her sins. Amen.

Confessions of losing....

I lose things constantly---mostly because I forget them places. I try to solve the problems of right now....and if it takes too much time to solve--I forget-at least for a moment.
I've been really forgetful as of lately...forgetting the time, the date, appointments, graduations, phonecalls-but it hasn't been because I wanted to... In the last few weeks, I've lost a student, already changed schedules once or twice, lost an awesome apartment, gained an apartment with a ton of character (thanks to past tenants-Casey and Daniel), and the list goes on.... But from the losses-I've gained many really cools things/relationships/etc. I'm getting ready to lose another student who is going back to his home country. This will leave me with 2-with one rumored on the way. Somewhere along the way of tirelessly working to start the year, move myself, and get up before the sun---I lost my diligence for my Quiet Time. It is shaming and yet freeing to say this to you-those of you who keep up with me. I'm really struggling to swallow a schedule and keep it down. It was so simple for me to wake up at 4:30-5:00am before-while now, I struggle to be out of bed by 5:45. Please pray that I can be more diligent in rest and in waking up in the morning-because the fatigue is just not going away.
I also ask that you pray specifically for the drug rehab center that I mentioned to all the churches. There are some things going on that could potentially change a lot. Most of these things will happen within the next two weeks. I know God is in control of these changes and these things, but please pray for the people involved and please pray specifically for "Mark" as he confronts rumors and a serious topic surrounding this situation.
Also, continue to pray for our Administration-our curriculum coordinator is pregnant with her third child (she is the prinicipal's wife) with a 5 1/2 year old and a 2 1/2 year old-I think this one was a surprise! Praise the Lord that we have almost a full staff coming-so hopefully this will give her some relief.
Our new staff started arriving late last week and will continue to arrive until the 9th of September. :) I'm getting really excited about them and I thank God for the things that He continues to teach me and really humble me through His creatures, His creations.
Smash was awesome last week-the kids were so in tune with each other-it was completely amazing how they just blobbed themselves together-no matter how they were seperated last year. We were all equally surprised and yet so very proud of their more than adult behavior. They are an amazing! I'm praying for my discipleship group-even though I don't know what that looks like exactly yet......

Heavenly Father, thank you for allowing me to lose-lose it all for the sake of knowing You more. Please help me to lose more of myself so that I can become more like you. Thank you for my Saudi Arabian and I pray that as he travels that he takes Your sweet Words with him and cherishes them in his Muslim community. I pray that as You hang on to him-that He will one day stand strong for you. I also pray for my little Kuwaiti family and their precious mom-who is suffering from homesickness. I pray for all of us who will teach these children in the future and show them Christ's love. Thank you for such amazing opportunities. Lord, please help Mark and this situation....I know You will get the ultimate glory-even as it is hard for me to see this... Please help me to get rest and be diligent in my study of Your Word and with You.

confessions of first class.....

Well, my time at home was SWWEEETTT! Thanks to everyone who made it amazing-every day was like the funnest Saturday of my life! Three whole weeks of that and now-back to work!

Well, almost back to work. I'm currently sitting in the Rio airport waiting for the second Brasilia flight of the day. This return flight was a little crazy! First-I went to the aiport on Sunday and this sweet man grabbed my bags and realized that they were overweight. I began to explain that I am used to this and explained why....amazingly-the weight was ignored as he checked me in and cleared my bags....Then-I got delayed....for two days! I couldn't believe it! I had BW3's again, BD's, and got to work on my tan (before I go back to winter in Brazil!). Just a little amazing :) In the middle of that-my Mom gets a job (YAY! Answered prayers) and Mare takes me to the aiport for the second time :) Two things happen when we arrive: 1. Again, the weight of my suitcases are ignored(AMEN!) 2. dirty dark clouds start floating in. They make the first boarding announcement to which I say, "I'm not getting on any plane in this weather." I mean really, the last time we had bad weather in Kentucky---wasn't there a tornado? So-we don't board and sure enough-it storms and storms and storms. I make it to ATL in plenty of time-I grab some dinner, buy a phone charger (I left mine at home-amazing that the little place sold my type), and out of boredom sat down to figure out where my seat would be. I began to hear announcements that the flight is delayed because the "entertainment equipment" was not working. As I made my final phone calls and kept one ear open---I realized that my boarding pass said, "Breezeway". I almost started laughing and I knew it had to be a mistake. I checked in and no one said anything. So-there I went. I began to get this special treatment immediately from the stewardess before I walked on the plane. "Let me do this for you," "Oh, that bag is too heavy," "NO! You don't want to put your bag under the plane.' "I will get you a bag and we will make it fit." I was immediately offered three types of drinks in glasses and of course a bottle of water. I chose water and orange juice. The awkward moments began immediately....I spilled the orange juice (haha!) and thought I broke the glass (this is why I am an economy passenger). I was handed this menu with a lot of food that I'd seen before......and I was on the phone-so I just kept talking. I got off the phone and another stewardess said, "Glad you're off the phone, what would you like to eat?" I almost laughed....I passed on the asparagus soup and chose the mahi-mahi (I eat chicken every day?). The stewardess came out, laid a white napkin on my tray, silverware, and salt and pepper shakers (honestly-I was waiting for the vase of flowers..) They bring the salad and a couple other things...so out of the corner of my eye-I start watching all the other people eat these weird concoctions...and well, I start eating them too. It was actually good. I mean-really good! Then, they brought out the Mahi-Mahi with some more concoctions and a lemon. It was really good. I am forever spoiled by what I NOW know goes on in First Class! But that isn't all. She cleared my plate for the second time and asked if I wanted some ice cream. Sure-I always want ice cream to which she begins naming off all these toppings.....I am a little overwhelmed at this point. I eat the ice cream and go to sleep. I sleep until about 5am and then from about 5:30-8. Breakfast was SOOO pretty! It was good to be able to sleep, but I felt completely awkward the whole time. It was so different to have someone be at your service for 9 1/2 hours. Then, I began to think about partiality. How do we treat people? I was clearly reminded of that on this trip and then this morning in Ecc 11. as I read about "In the morning sow your seed, and in the evening withold not your hand, for you do not know which will prosper, or whether both alike will be good. We should be treating all people the same-pouring out the gospel to them no matter what their lives look like...just like my student last year-he seemed impossible.....I prayed for his behavior all year...and in the end...He ended up being amazing....and had an understanding of God. I'm praying that I'll treat everyone the same-that I will pour into everyone without even a hint of partiality.
Talking about school....our school needs more students. Please pray for this provision for us-we are experiencing a year of embassy change. We know that God

already knows what is going to happen! I now have 2 students in my class-one of my students' families just got orders to go back to Saudi Arabia (2 weeks to get their stuff in line and be out of the country) and the other student dropped out because his Mom is concerned that he is too young! I'm praying for whatever God has for me-whether it be 2 or 20. Praying for families transitioning out of Brasilia and praying for the new ones that come in-that we will have a chance to impact their lives through God working in our lives.
Praise-we have a FULL staff with approved visas :) They will start to trickle in over the next three weeks!!! Pray for the Taylors-the adoption has to be finalized before the Brasilian government will recognize and grant them visas for their little boys :)

PS-pictures above are of our new playground and then of Martin and I. He is soo funny...He was looking right up until she snapped the picture :)

confessions of sweetness....

I didn't realize that coming home could be so sweet. Christmas was so insane-I don't remember half of it and it seemed as if I did no one justice-as far as spending time with them. This time seems a little more slowly and I praise the Lord that I'm actually able to spend quality time with the people that I love so much.

Coming home means: sweet tea, tap water with lemon, fighting with my grown brothers, getting new pants (something i can't do in brazil), enjoying the ministry opportunities developing all around me, Mare, CrossPoint Baptist(ooohh how SWEET this has been and their diligence sooo encouraging!!), books, sweddish fish, peanut butter,

and the loathed question: "So, are you going to stay there?" I don't know. I can see myself fitting in either situation-doing ministry, loving others, continuing my education, seeking God.......there is a sutle tie for both places and I'm searching for the pros and cons of each. But then again, that is not the right attitude to have-but then again, I'm not really sure what attitude to have. The last time I asked God to clearly reveal something......He definitely gave me a clear answer.....months ahead of time. So-here I am. Pray for that.

confessions of the county fair (in Brasil...i think that is Festa Junina) and pancakes...

The "County Fair" is almost over and I thought I should write before too many things escape me-for I hope to write my next entry from the states. I learned many interesting things over the last few weeks. Ive learned how to control a classroom of 3-6 year olds and Ive watched 2 or 3 of them respond to Jesus. We learned how to pray, when to pray, and why we pray. They informed me that God has the internet and he is real big.
While I taught the fruit of the spirit-peace, patience, kindness, joy, and love, I was also learning these from my students. Particularly one that tested me both weeks. His parents put only that they wanted him to learn Biblical Principles.....and I understand why. His idea of telling someone nicely that he didnt like what they were saying is... ^Shut up^ in his "nice" voice. I really had to be intentional about everything that I did with this child. It just didnt come naturally. Again and again I would call his name, count to three, and wait for his response. He even told me that my face scared him (?-but he would sit in my lap, hang on me, persistantly be the one to hold my hand, etc) but then also told me several times that his dad scares him. And then told me that I wasnt scary and neither was his dad. The whole time I was wondering......is there some kind of psychology to this? or maybe I just needed to pray more? Eventually, he began to open up and I realized that he usually gets what he wants if he talks long enough about it. I didnt give in and that was different for him. Responding to his need for love was difficult because I didnt feel it was right to give in to his every demand. I had to show him in other ways that I loved him-like ignoring his cycle of ramblings about his snack, his dad, and other things. Yeah-it sounds mean-but after about 10-30 minutes of this-he began talking sense again, he did his work, and he communicated with the other kids. I am proud of him, his accomplishments, and the things he will take away from this summer camp. He knows about the Bible (Gods Book-he calls it), he knows how to pray, and why we pray. Truly a labor of love.......and it was worth every minute.

Pancakes may have to wait until I get back to the states. I shared a pancake dinner with two of my Brasilian friends on Tuesday. My dear sister Gabi and then our friend. It is amazing how someone can be so close to the truth and yet so very far at the same time. I see in him a genuine love for people that sees past any outward appearance and looks for the best in them. I am deeply saddened by his belief system and the way he feels about God. Sometimes it feels so unfair. More on this later.

Dear God. Thank you for giving me so many opportunities to show You in my life. I pray that I will recognize them and live them out every minute. I pray for these two sweet people that Ive grown to love so much. I pray that they will one day recognize You and love You. Please help them with any confusion in their minds. Thank you for showing me things through them. Amen.

confessions of the first week...

A sweet video of the 1st and 2nd grade doing one of our songs :)

Its Wednesday?! Already?! The days are not long enough seemingly to impact all of these students. I have 6 little guys (yes, guys) ranging from ages 3 to 6. Keeping up with them is fun and challenging. 4 of the 6 are from another school, 1 is from a brasilian school, and the other one went to BIS last year. It is different to see the impact that our school has on students. Our students seem to be more humble, compassionate, and treat others more like family. This transition doesnt happen immediately upon entering BIS, but the effects are noticeable after about a year. Our students have their moments of pettiness and being children, but it is quite different. I truly see the impact that God has in our school. He touches their lives and has chosen to impact this community with BIS. Our school isnt perfect-we may not have everything that other schools have, or all the latest equipment, and were still undergoing renovations---when it boils down to it....God is enough. He is using BIS to create these amazing citizens that are academically, spiritually, and socially successful. :) I miss my little guys SOOO very much and I cant wait to see what God holds for me next year. The new program is getting under way but we still arent sure of enrollment. Brasillians tend to wait until the last minute, so my what exactly I will be doing next year....will be in the air until the day school starts. I expect a lot of last minute transitions, extra jobs, and nothing will be as it should. But then, Ill realize that everything is as it should be. I know it will be hard, but God is so good in the hard things and has passed His amazing peace through me in so many of these situations. I just have to be a the vessel. I praise Him for I am fearfully and wonderfully made....made to do whatever He commands next year. :) I love you all. I will see most of you in about 9 days :)

Oh, heres a picture of Tito (Titus) and his amazing creations. He is studying to be a paleontologist!

confessions....of.....winter....or...wait...its summer...

sooooo...Summer Camp(VBS with an academic emphasis) starts next week!! My classroom is transformed into a sheep pen! The Lovable Lambs-complete with a tree, a sun, and a horse !

I have two students......both ESL.....and well...one of them will soon be ESL.....
he speaks only Portuguese as of yet.... Im guessing this is a little insight to how next year is going to work! Im excited to see what will happen and what God is going to do.
The short term missionaries are amazing-Im loving getting to know each of them! Gods truly blessed us with some great people willing to serve Him in whatever that looks like here!

Guess what?! Ill be home in exactly 14 days :) I cant wait to se all of you!!!

confessions of my first brasilian birthday party!

Look how precious?! I know my ramblings were just that-ramblings-in the last e-mail. I really love this sweet picture of them...they are not at all organized or posed just right....but they are themselves. And I love it.

You might wonder what I've been doing for the last several days. In between the sad goodbyes of departing staff, cleaning and organizing the mess in my classroom-God's been doings some amazing things......where to start.....

1. well, I'm coming home early-July 11th-I'll arrive! I also got a refund of 900 dollars in the mix of all that-which is pretty spectacular considering that the website says NO REFUNDS. Cheap O Air---for all your traveling needs! So-what was once a not so good, kind of bad situation....actually worked out in SOOO many ways.

2. Nicolàs passed his exams with FLYING COLORS!! It is to my understanding that he impressed the instructor and exceeded their expectations. Amen and Amen.

3. God really mended some relationships in my life over the last few weeks. He showed me how obedience is soooo important. I've been trying to make up for lost time with several new friends....before they permanently depart for the next venture in life.

4. I'm still computerless....and I'm reading books like crazy! Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.......Im simply speechless about this one...

5. I'm 27! or 17! or 72! WHatever! I was surprised by a group of my closest Brasilian friends along with several of the teachers from BIS. :) Last night was a huge highlight-almost like a dream. I loved seeing them and getting to talk and hang out with them. They worked so hard to make everything come together....and I was totally and completely surprised. There is a place in my heart that grows every day for these people and their amazing love for me.

6. I found out my job for next year. I will be working with one of my best friends (Raquel) in the preschool program. We will offer a program for Brasilian 3\4 year olds. This program will be unique in that no other international or brasilian school has a portuguese/english speaker and a native english speaker for these classes. We will team teach through most subjects while specials will be completely in portuguese for the first little bit. Ill admit. I was "warned" that I would be doing something different next year....and I had a bit of a complaining heart about it. I really thought I would be teaching 4th grade. Which is fine....Im just more comfortable with younger kids and more creative spins on simple concepts :) When they called us in for the meeting-I was a bit smug and anxious about the new assignment...but confused about why they'd called the preschool teacher and portuguese teacher in as well. As Mr. Bose began his spill...I could feel a smile creep......and the excitement flash inside. I wouldnt have dreamed this in my wildest dreams.....and yet, its almost as if my dreams are coming true. I'll have the chance to work with an amazing teacher whom I love dearly, I'll be speaking more portuguese on a daily basis, and getting to work with Brasilians and International students alike. This vision will probably be tweaked and may not work out exactly the way we are thinking---but its gonna be amazing....I can feel it.....

Dear God, Thank you for listening.....and for helping me to understand that You are in control-that I need not worry about next year...next week....or tomorrow. Thank you for showing me how hopeless I am in my own thoughts sometimes and how weak my faith can be....and then showing me how amazing You are. I praise you for the blessings you've chosen to give me and the people that you've allowed me to know and love. Lord-for the people that have been a challenge to love...and a growing situation for me in this year--thank you for them. Thank you for knowing me, loving me, and giving me above the desires of my heart....in spite of what I am. Thank you for another year to serve you and for Brazil.

confessions of...the last day of school..

It almost does not seem real that this day is over...that this year is over. i could not cry today, but I can cry now. I miss my students and the reality is not yet here. I think in the weeks to come-I'll miss them a great deal. They are no longer mine. I am astounded by the passing of time and that this year is over. I cannot reiterate that enough-even to myself. I feel as if it should be Christmas and that I have so much more to teach them and so much love to give them. There's a special bond that comes about when you have 5 students-it's just very different than having 24. The bonds are so tight with each student and each student with the other. They truly treat each other like brothers and sister(s). They happen to be the most caring, sensitive, loving, and cool kids that I've ever met--all from different continents. One of my parents commented on our graduation picture....No two students even resemble each other in color-their skin is different, eyes are all different, their hair is different, their eyes are different....
I went through their monitoring folders yesterday and their growth made me smile. They've grown academically and most importantly spiritually. They are definitely asking questions about having a sinful heart and when asked about sin-they now answer, "we're sinful from birth" instead of the astounded looks I once received. :) Or-how they beg to review the previous verses.......and then proceed to tell me the meaning of the verse (as we did a small expository on each one when introduced). They are 5! God is so amazing.
Today, I received a handmade pair of earrings (which I LOVE), material from Zambia, my very own "Class of 2021" T-shirt :), and some reallllllly nice "Body Shop" stuff from the states :) But it did not compare to the hugs, smiles, love, and fun we had today. I just enjoyed them today. I wish they could come back to school to just play for the next 35 days---no lesson plans--just playing, crafts, fun, reading "No David" and "David Goes to School". Instead, they will be loving their friends in the States, in England, Zambia, and in Panama. Of course, Thales-will be loving the animals on the farm-his horse, his sheep (he says shep..and his mom tells me that they are actually goats). I think only a few will appreciate these ramblings.....but this is a blog and I'm spilling my heart.

confessions of technology

who knew that our dependency on technology is so heavy? I only realized this last week how much I really use my computer. Phoning home, email, photos, creating things, lesson plans, graduation programs, invitations, etc, etc.... I realized how much my life revolved around a 14 inch machine.
It's been rather nice in some ways-to not be able to surf whenever I want to or to even be able to type in a Word program for whatever need..... In other ways, it's been a nightmare. I've been forced to leave work at work every day and not leave work until I have everything accomplished (or with the hopes that it is accomplished). So-I apologize for the lack fo communicationi :) We think my hard drive has gone out...so, it might be a while! I'll blog when I can!

mmm..confessions of Siao...

This was my first "big" field trip. Planning for 54 students, 6 chaperones, a big bus, a little bus, juice, crackers, cookies, popcorn, games, crafts, puzzles, and the list goes on. I really stressed about this one. I delegated responsibilites, had my meetings, and I just worried about it, prayed about it, and worked for several months to figure all of this out. Siao takes care of children who are living away from their parents for various reasons. They just recently went through a change in administration and this was a bit detrimental to several kids who chose to run away. It saddened my heart to hear that Jonas ran away......
We drove for about 45 minutes out of town and then turned onto a red dirt road that reminded me more of a dirt bike track complete with craters and tire busters all a long the way. But the corn and the wheat were so beautiful as they danced on the side of the road. It was picture perfect.
We played with the three students that were there and I got to share a little bit with the new director. He seems really nice and genuine, but we are being cautious. He talked about the projects that they want to cultivate and work on with us. We are trying to build a better relationship with them in order to plan more trips and to get our kids more involved there. I really have a heart for that place, for those kids, and for the workers. I just need to spend more time there. I confess that I was really busy transitioning everyone, setting up snack, giving things out, and taking pictures.......and it just went too fast. We only had one hour once we got there. Next time, I want to get special permission to stay all day! Our kids need more than one hour to socialize and love on these children.
Tonight we said goodbye to some of our favorites-The McNaughtons. I cannot express the sacrifices they've made for our school. The mom came in and tutored, gave resources, did some gardening, painted(when we first got to school), PAO presidentl......just to name a few. I didn't teach her children, but found ways to interact with them through clubs and through a little project with the high school students. They are amazing. Their parents thought it was only right for them to spend their last evening with their friends--so we went to eat at the mall. Of course, we know our kids are always playing some kind of game....and tonight they shared their "metro" game which included the metro car "driver" and some metro "security guards". Oh querida(o dear!). So-they decide that when the doors open (we all stood because there aren't many places for about 20 ppl to sit) that they would run out-touch the wall, and run back before th doors shut. This worked about two times.....on the third one......the doors seemed to shut a little quicker, and I'm sure it was followed by a stern warning. We love the new "closed circuit" video cameras and we don't disappoint the posters that say "Sorria (Smile)". And I will admit-everyone else on the car was smiling after some of the people got left behind. It was good to see their tired faces break into a "Sorria".
Tomorrow-dress shopping!

Please pray for my little ones! I only had 3 students for most of the week. James and Caleb have the "hand, foot, and mouth" virus! We missed them! Also continuous prayer for the Zambian families that will transition back to their home country this summer. Please pray for Nicolas as he undergoes testing in Panama(June 17th) for his new school (after Christmas). Pray for me as I receive my last evaluation on Monday, planning Graduation (June 6th), Senior Prom (May 29th), planning Field Day for PreK and K (June 4th), finishing the yearbook, and of course for a great finish to the year! Also-for a flexible spirit in whatever job they have for me here next year. I pray that I would be able to do all for the glory of God and that these things will not overwhelm me and that I would be strong in the Lord!

By the way-I only have about 24 more days of reading and then I will finish the Bible! I can't wait to turn around and start again. God's shown me some sweet things in the last 10 months-hit me again!

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confessions of emails.

I've come to realize a few things over the last couple of days. Fonts matter. The size of your text matters. Wording things simply matters. People can take your words however they want even when you try to be indifferent. Even when you are trying hard to just say what you want to say very simply. I've been a huge fan of emails up until now and because of the things that I've experienced-I no longer want to use it as a means of communication.

God, please humble me in the areas that I need to be humbled. Please break me in the places that I need to be broken. I admit-I am wayward, I have a temper, and I thank you for the verses that Your Word gives to me to deal with this. Please help me to apply grace where needed-especially as you grow me through the things that are not my fault. Please give me wisdom, understanding, grace, self control, and patience in dealing with these things. Words hurt so please help me turn to Your Words when these things come and try to avert my attention from what is pure, holy, and true.

confessions of......

Nahum 1:7
The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him.

A Stronghold. I've held tight to this scripture for several weeks and given it to several people as I see them struggle with certain things in their lives.

As I plan for Kindergarten graduation-the reality of next year keeps waving in my face. As usual and as with missions-nothing is certain.
I've recently received news that my friend, Anna, is suddenly leaving Venezuela (I believe) because of visa issues. In the midst of my unsurety and busy-ness, I praise God that I am here. In fact, I praise Him that He saw fit to call me here. I've had the best year possibly of my life-doing my dream job. But we aren't called to do our dream jobs. The qualifications of my dream job should state, "Serving Christ." Period. Everytime I want to complain-I simply cannot because it is a privilege to be here.
So-you're probably wondering what all of this is about. I was basically told that I should be prepared to teach something different next year. We have no preschool students enrolled and only 1 Kindergarten student for next year. I found out that my favorite Zambian is in limbo about whether or not she will come back for 1st grade next year :( There is a lot of that going on right now. Embassies are telling them what to expect for next year and it is becoming a reality for many of our students that their home countries may be the reality. Or it could be that as a family moves back to the states a father is going to Iraq or that a Zambian mother will return to Brazil without her son and family. This is the harsh reality of an International Community. I am so blessed to have met so many amazing people, but I am grieving them already.

We have exactly 100 days to double the pre-enrollment numbers. He has been teaching me a lot about faith and prayer . Faith in prayer. Several times I thought some things were just too much..... And did He show me!

Whatever God has for me is going to be amazing. He will be glorified.

Thank You for Your unfailing love. For being a Stronghold and for continuing to show me what that means. Please continue to humble me in this way. Thank you for all my beautiful friends and students. Help me to love them and help them transition into whatever is happening in their lives. I pray for wisdom and understanding in this-even with my 5 year olds. I pray for BIS and the need for new students.

confessions of kinza....

So, I had the opportunity to hang out with one of our students this weekend. My Brasilian sister, Gabi invited us to a production of "Grease" put on by her school (a school to learn English). They did an awesome job and it was cool to see their take on it.

Afterward, we went to lunch and it started to POUR the rain. (I actually froze......and it was probably about 50 degrees....I was dreaming of a warm sweater that day). Anyhow, I began to ask Kinza about her life, where she lived, and somehow got on the topic of marriage. I happen to be fascinated with marriages/weddings in other cultures. So, it opened up a door for her to tell me about "Love Marriages" and "Arranged Marriages". Wow. Somehow I didn't know that that even existed in the Eastern point of view. But it does. She explained that the weddings typically take place for about a week. Both sides of the family sponsor different celebrations or steps to the final ceremony. The families also have to give money to the other family and the bride's parents have to buy all of her appliances, electronics, etc just in case something happened to their marriage or to the husband. It is legal for them to have up to four wives at a time. They can be married as many times as they want-but only four at a time. To which Kinza said that her father only had one.....I think because one was enough! The man can divorce any time that he wants by saying a single word three times (can't remember the word), but the woman can never divorce. She can also never remarry once she is divorced.

An arranged marriage can be between families like with cousins or between family friends. Engagement is usually short--2 to 3 months. You cannot date before (but they do now as new trends are trickling in) and I asked her, "What if you are dating(secretly) and in love but your parents arrange a marriage for you?" and she said, "Well, your parents are going to be really mad!" But, she didn't know anyone who was in that situation. I asked her if she had an arranged marriage and she said, "Nope." Many people ask her about this and her father says to tell them that marriage is not two people getting married, but two families. Many times the families live together for the rest of their lives. The new bride goes to the husband's house (if he is the caregiver of his parents) and they will live them from then on. (I was just imagining some and their in-laws.)....

Kinza is an amazing person. She is Muslim and yet, she participates with us, goes on our retreats, and hears the gospel over and over again. Next year she will graduate at 16 and go to college-possibly in Canada......I'm praying the BIS impacts her and that she will be saved.

On the other note-we had Science Fair...which I was dreading a little bit. I had several great projects but I just wasn't feeling it. We ended up putting eggs in vinegar and watching the acid eat the shells. It was cool, but I was DONE by the end! I really liked hanging out with the parents, watching my students run between my room and the preschool room, and taking pictures of the enjoyment. Basically, we hosted a social event :) Which is fine! Some parents we would never see if we didn't have some required events like this one. So-Success!

Steph and I rented a car this weekend to run around---and I forgot truly what that was like...to be able to go and get something to eat or to just get up and go somewhere even in the pouring rain! Or to go to Pontao and take pictures. To be able to pick up people, build relationships through meeting and giving them rides-it was really great! A sweet weekend!

confessions of ....qualifica(equipping), justifica(justification), corresi(correction), santifica(sanctification), e fortalece(fortifies)

Well, another Brasilian adventure for the books.

My roommate, Stephanie, and I went to camp this weekend with our Brasilian friends and my sisters :) They so graciously translated and helped us out. I was really impressed with the camp pastor as well as our pastor. Several things happened that reinforced what the camp pastor was preaching which showed that our youth pastor practiced true humility. It was a time of God being glorified in something that was not so great. The weekend turned out completely different than I thought....and God taught me some amazing things.
We learned that the Word of God-equips, justifies, corrects, fortifies, and sanctifies. mm. good stuff.
AND-we also learned that when 1 bus breaks down-all 4 stay together. :) It was a great lesson in sticking together and Brasilians-they wait on EVERYBODY :) and they know how to wait well-playing games, "social", charades, contently, happily, and amazingly. 200 people....waiting....for 4 1/2 hours-no dinner, no water... I really love these lessons because I'm really feeling the "community" aspect of living. No one-is left behind. I love it.

Today, Steph and I started an after school decoupage club and got to build some relationships with some of the girls at our school :) Little do they know......yearbook is about to take over the club......



and....I got up at 4:45 this morning to run. And....I fell. :) I love falling by myself.....because then I don't have to jump up like it didn't happen. :)

More to come.....just thought i would update you.

Thank you God for your Son, Jesus. I pray that every day will be like Easter to me in hopes that I will remember the price and the ultimate defeat over death. Thank you for showing Yourself in every aspect of this camp experience. Even when I didn't think You could get the glory-You knew and You did.
Obrigada Pai.