confession of a mother of three, but no one has ever called me, "Mom".

I now have three children that no one will ever know. No one will ever look at them and smile, read them a book, help them tie their shoes, teach them a bible verse, or comment on how cute they look in their clothes. But, my heavenly father knows them and knew them for the few short days/weeks that they spent in my womb. In a way, I'm glad that they will never know the hardships of this life, the cruelty of our human race, or the teasing of another. I am thankful that I will never have to discipline them because they were born sinful. However, I am sad and even angry that I will not hold them against my skin, give them spit baths before church on sundays, read them our Jesus Storybook Bible, or tell them, "I love you." I will never get to help them raise money for a mission trip, pray for them to be missionaries, or encourage them to go serve the poor in our community. They will never know how much I already loved and prayed for them. At times, I am mad at God's Providence. I am mad that I keep losing child after child with no explanation. I am mad that pregnancy is no longer joyous, exciting, and wonderful for me. It is terrifying, hurtful, and heartbreaking. Last week, I stood in the shower and just gritted my teeth, cried, and squeezed the life out of my loofah. I was so mad and disappointed. Satan used that time to point out every single thing that I know is wrong with me. He also used things from my past and things that I knew were not true to keep killing me for about thirty minutes. Finally, I cried out and told God how angry that I was but that I didn't want to be. Immediately-God flooded my mind with how much He loved me, chose me, sent Jesus to die for me, and wanted me. Life is too short and I have too many amazing and wonderful things going on for this to pull me under. This might have been the lowest that I've ever been. I can only remember one other night feeling this way--and I was on drugs and drunk at that point with no hope. I remember feeling like I could go either way--and I closed my eyes and decided I didn't care. Thank God that I now have hope in Christ. I care about what happens tomorrow and the 22 little Superheroes in my class. Now, I can be sad or angry, but I'm never alone or without encouragement from the Word of God. I'm never without the promise of the perfection of Heaven or a Savior that did not give me what I deserve. I got up the next morning feeling pretty crummy but after reading Romans 8-I was able to face the day. I clung to "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." My joy was renewed and thankfully my cup ran over all. day. long. as we partied, danced, and did a little bit of work =D Later that evening, I watched 100's of children jump in and out of their cars in such sweet costumes. I watched their parents lovingly nudge them when they forgot to say "Thank you". I also saw children with bare arms and legs in thin costumes(my teeth were chattering), small children in terrifying costumes and makeup, and parents barely giving a second glance as their precious children crossed the busy streets by themselves. Do you see where I'm going? It made me sad and mad all over again. I eat right, take several vitamins, sleep well, pay my bills with money that I work for, and would always care for my child-yet here I am bearing the burden of losing baby after baby. My prayer is that I can fight this anger with the love of Christ-just as I did the other night. I pray that I continue to preach the Gospel to myself and that I truly listen to the Gospel when given by others. I pray that I will not be angry with society or that I would not covet the children that they have. It's God's Providence that three children do not call me mom. It's God's Providence that he loves me and that as devastating as I think this is---it would be more devastating to never know the love of Christ or to not be adopted by God, or to be left alone. So, as these circumstances unfold in my life, I am encouraged and challenged to use this for God's Glory. I don't exactly know what that looks like, but I suppose it starts with admitting how I feel and sharing how God is changing my heart sometimes on a minute by minute, thought by thought basis. This is my confession...a confession of a mother of three, but no one has ever called me, "Mom".

confessions of ....coming back..

I've been so terrible at this blogging thing....for a long time. And I apologize for this shortcoming. I can give a million excuses, but the truth being told-God is using me and has given me many opportunities to serve the ministries He has set before me for this year. My nights are full of serving the International Jr. High Girls (whom I LOVE), attending a Brasilian Bible Study, SMASH (the international student ministry we have every friday night), staff fellowships, and running almost daily with my roommate, Lauren. The Leadership of SMASH also meets every Sunday afternoon to prepare for the Smash meetings-to talk about the student, and to begin to go through "Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life" by Donald Whitney AND to go through a book of the Bible together. I work with the most amazing people! Our student ministry goes up and down-we are facing many barriers with the students-them being lackluster in their faith and just indifferent to the things of the Lord. We're continually surprised by their attitudes and just praying that God sends a revival to our school. We need it desperately in our student body.

On that note-our school continues to grow, but we are also losing students at the same time-seemingly very sudden for the last month. Many of our African families are sending their sons back to their home countries to attend boarding schools with families. Their embassy's are having problems affording even "sending" their families home. Some situations are just very difficult and unique. Many of these African families are torn apart by the job opportunities for husbands and wives. I have a five year old that is suffering the loss of his mother....the opportunities are so good for him here, but the sacrifice is that she has to live there while he lives here with his father. He misses his mom so very much-I can see it in his crocodile tears about every other day.

I recently started a Bible passage memorization self proclaimed plan. We are going through 1 Timothy in our leadership group-so each week I take 4-6 verses and memorize them from that chapter. I don't think I've ever felt the urgency to memorize in this way. I am finding myself enjoying the time I have in the word and on the meditation of the verses in hopes that I can hide them in my heart for conviction, for counseling, and to glorify the Lord. It is good to be able to quote scripture to yourself....to have your sword in your head. =)

Please pray for our school. Next year will be a big year for us. We will welcome a completely new administration including the Curriculum Coordinator, Principal, and Business Manager positions. This is almost every position we have on the Administration team. I know God is already working in those that He wants here. He has called me here for at least another year and I feel extremely blessed. I reiterate that I think about going home, but I dream about staying here.

Incredibly, God is allowing me to adapt to many different things. He continues to teach me and guide me through His Word and many corrections of sin that surfaces as I face trials. Please pray that I can encourage people here and love them like He would love them. I'm praying that I can see people in this way-the way He does and point them to Him. I mean, that's the only reason I am on this earth. So why is it so hard sometimes? In our society,self centeredness is like a virtue now....fight it, fight it, fight it....with godliness which should be God centered and therefore caring for others more than myself....a mystery indeed how...

He was manifested in the flesh, vindicated by the Spirit, seen by angels, proclaimed to all the nations, believed on in the world, taken up to glory.

How I cannot wait to see him....to know more of this mystery!

confessions on that last post....

so-I poured my frustrations into a short poem-if you could call it that.....

because I could not express how much last week hurt. It hurt to hear the

coaching she is receiving in her home and how they've told her that she is

not to pray anymore.

they are such an incredible family and they really love BIS (they've told us

numerous times) but they are waging war against God. That, my friends, breaks

my heart. I remember last Friday as I sat at my desk as I realized (as I often do)

how great God is and that I need to be praying more for this family.



There are many reasons for us to be praying and God is using these reasons to

bring us to our knees and earnestly cry out to him for reconciliation, wisdom,

understanding, freedom from fear, and many other things.

Our staff is burdened with what is going to happen in the next few weeks as we will start to say our goodbyes to 2 staff members. This issue alone is causing many people stress as well as a blanket of anxiety amongst some of them. Our administration is seeking the Lord in all of these things-but I can't imagine what they are dealing with at this time. I am very impressed with their communication and how they've gone about this. It can't be easy to have started the school year with a full staff only to let 2 of them go.



Riding on the tails of all of this came the sad news of cancer. Our Biology Teacher, Beverly Fryar (who is an amazing and dear friend of mine) received a phone call that her mother has cancer. The test results have been coming back with more and more serious tones. Beverly is a cancer survivor herself and worked as an oncology nurse before she came to BIS. All of this knowledge creates a good foundation for next steps, treatments, and also the understanding of the severity of her disease. Please pray for them as they discern what God is leading and directing them to do. Mr. Fryar is our Business Manager and their son, Caleb, is a very important part of his 1st grade classroom. Mr. Fryar is also the Youth Minister for the International Baptist Church. They are and have been such a blessing in my life. They are always there to encourage me, give me rides, let me borrow their car, and really pouring into my life here. They've been been sent to pour into my life using scripture, love, joy, hope, and comfort to name a few. Please pray for them during this time.



I received a new student-little (really really tall) Betuel. He is really really SWEET! He knows little to no English and he is from Namibia. He is beginning to come out of the silent stage and explore with lots more curiousity! I am excited to be working with him. Please pray for quick understanding of English and learning his alphabet to catch up with his classmates. =)



Our annual Christmas Program is coming up-a clear presentation of the Gospel to all families. They will come to see their children perform and in the midst-they will hear about Jesus. We will perform "The Christmas Lamb" this year. A little boy goes all over the world looking for the Jesus. We get to spotlight each continent (which is neat with the unique make up of our school). Please pray that I will help the students understand the real meaning of Christmas-that they can recognize Jesus' Birth as the true meaning of Christmas. I've been reading a book by Noel Piper "Treasuring God in Our Traditions" and I've gotten several ideas to use with my students.

Speaking of reading, I also read, "Faithful Women & Their Extraordinary God" also by Noel Piper. She highlights some amazing women and it made me realize and re-realize many things about this life. This book helped me understand how they were so faithful in their sufferings and even looked forward/prepared for sufferings. Oh how I can learn from that.

Abba, Father,
You know the cries and different types of pain that these requests bring to my life. Some pain comes in rejoicing over a believer who will show Your glory in suffering.....and some will come with a response in many prayers for wisdom, comfort, and peace. Thank you for Your hope, for Your comfort, and for Your Son. I don't know what I would do without him. Thank you for choosing me and for loving me. Thank you for my beautiful parents through whom you sent some books to help me. Thank you for faithful prayer warriors and friends. Thank you for 17 days to focus on Jesus and how He began his human life. Please help my classroom and my life to be centered around Him. You are doing so much in life-please continue to discipline and show me how You want me to live.
Amen.

"I am not Christian."
"I am not going to pray anymore."
These are the words that two days ago began....
and haven't since stopped breaking my heart.
Slowly it seems like the pages are slipping from my fingers
as it feels like this book is closing and that the 1 true God
is not longer allowed in.

I must see His Sovereignty.
I must love that attribute.
He is not lost or out of control...I know this.....

I love this little girl and her Muslim faith is breaking my heart.

confessions of 3 in 1.

I have much to be thankful for-even in the unknown, the trials, and the mysteries of this life-I am thankful. Sometimes it is difficult and I find myself wondering---what is going on here? I am all too quickly reminded that I have a purpose here and now-no matter what happens tomorrow or next month or next year.

We were given the news that we need 20 students or there is a possibility of termination of two positions. I don't know that I heard anything after that. No, it isn't the end of the world but it is causing me to pray diligently to our Lord specifically for more students. I don't think any of us realized that our situation was this dire. All of the other teachers are on a different visa now because the government no longer offers the type of visa that I received (to our school). So the school is now having to manage in a way that depends on students being there (whereas before it wasn't so much of a big deal because all teachers were here on support and the school only had to fund their housing/bills). So-in saying all of this-we need students, as we watch more and more go to their next assignments as this is their transition year. We have had some sweet students come in and God has definitely blessed us in this area. He definitely knows what we need and when we need it. It may be that he desires we work with less teachers and with less "other" things that the school has been able to afford in the past. But it could be that He is drawing us closer as we pray for these things and in December-we will have a full preschool program. This week, we had two children sign up for December! Praise the Lord! Starting either in late December or January-I will have a 3 year old and a 4 year old!!! 4 students! There are rumors of 2 more from the US---and our C.E.E.D (the bilingual preschool program) campaign will go out in 35,000 newspapers on Sunday. We have many leads but we know that God will ultimately send who He wants to BIS. Please continue to pray for this!!

Last weekend, we took some kids on a "survivor" retreat. We weren't sure what to expect, but what we got was far more. My beautiful green team was amazing! They could seriously be missionaries in the amazon! They threw together a shelter from 10 pieces of twill, 3 small garbage bags, and carried in all kinds of bamboo. I was so proud when we all got in and didn't get wet (you had to stay dry to win).

But the kicker came when we really started talking about making a stand and not just going through the motions-doing the hard things. 5 of our kids came up and said that they were ready. Yes. We go to a chrisitan school, but some of our students are not christians and I would venture to say that even more do not come from christian homes. So these "underdogs" as I like to call them-yes, they are from Christian families, but they are working overtime to be good examples-for most of the jr/sr. high population. Pray for them-they are such an amazing group of kids!

Going back to my class-I have two students-neither had no previous knowledge of God, Jesus, or the Bible. I am privileged to plant these seeds. I felt especially convicted during their snack time---like I should be filling that time with something. But what? Well, I am a lover of books-so I picked out a book one day and began to read. The book was A Picture of God 3 in 1 and WOW-did their antenaes purk up at this book. It is quite amazing that I read this book to them every single day and if I don't start by the time they both sit down-they are begging for it-while chomping on their apples that they now bring every single day. An apple has three parts. The peel, the flesh, and the core....but there is only 1 apple. God has three parts. God the Father, God the Son,a nd God the Holy Spirt....but theres is only 1 true God. Just an exerpt from this book...and they know all the parts. They know what parts make them happy-and the dark pages about sin make them sad. We've been reading this book for 2 1/2 weeks and they love it. You can pray for the little boy in my class-he is very sensitive to these things at this point. Please pray for me as I continue to disciple him and talk to him about God. :)

Just a fun picture---one of my best friends here got married two weekends ago :) Raquel and Felipe (he teaches me slang)

My Brasilian sister, Rebeca on the left and my new roommate, Lauren, on the right :) Just a few of God's blessings in my life!

i think about coming home...but i dream about staying...

that is the truth. i dream about staying here. my heart is full of affections that i cannot explain nor do i want to try-i end up in a blubbery mess...

I sent out(yes, we don't send them back home-we equip them and send them out) my little Saudi Arabian last week-complete with a Bible and 1,000 pictures. I pray that he is transitioning well and using is Arabic and not his Arabi-guese that he used here. I pray that the four friends he talked about will be gracious to him...and I pray that he is reminded of God daily and how He loves him.

It is Spring here!!! It is still raining! Yay! God has been so good in providing a cool rain for us throughout the dry season! It is strange to some-but I rejoice in the odd weather!

Thank you for all your prayers-I am back on track with my Quiet Time-daily! I'm reading through the Bible again and it is even sweeter this time. I'm loving Exodus, Isaiah, Psalm, and Luke! I'm getting up diligently every morning to have this time with God. My days are not easy, but they are amazing because I know that I've prayed over them and that I'm being fed through the Word!

I started Smash Unplugged this week=the group of Jr High Girls that I disciple on a bi-weekly basis(I can see them at school-we just have our formal meetings every other Wed.). I wrestled with what to do with them and finally decided on the attributes of God. I'm using Wayne Grudem's 20 Questions book. We got through God "exists", "is knowable", and "is independent". I just wanted to be faithful to the Word and to God as I shared with the girls. I was nervous, but I loved how Grudem said (in not these exact words)--the more we know about God the more we know how he wants us to be. I think the biggest thing was how God was independent, he doesn't need us, and he is in every person because He has always been around. I'm really learning a lot and pondering many more thoughts as I prepare for these sessions with the girls :)


Lord,
Thank you for being all that you are and for allowing us to know some things and hiding the rest. For being independent and for humbling a servant as she understand more about dependence and less about her "worldly view on independence". Thank you for the opportunities to show others who You are and to watch them grow in their knowledge of You. I pray that they will treasure You and take the Truth to the ends of the earth. Help me to send them out well equipped and ready. I am not worthy, but you choose to use me. Thank you for this opportunity. I praise you-for I am the daughter you have formed, called, and forgotten her sins. Amen.

Confessions of losing....

I lose things constantly---mostly because I forget them places. I try to solve the problems of right now....and if it takes too much time to solve--I forget-at least for a moment.
I've been really forgetful as of lately...forgetting the time, the date, appointments, graduations, phonecalls-but it hasn't been because I wanted to... In the last few weeks, I've lost a student, already changed schedules once or twice, lost an awesome apartment, gained an apartment with a ton of character (thanks to past tenants-Casey and Daniel), and the list goes on.... But from the losses-I've gained many really cools things/relationships/etc. I'm getting ready to lose another student who is going back to his home country. This will leave me with 2-with one rumored on the way. Somewhere along the way of tirelessly working to start the year, move myself, and get up before the sun---I lost my diligence for my Quiet Time. It is shaming and yet freeing to say this to you-those of you who keep up with me. I'm really struggling to swallow a schedule and keep it down. It was so simple for me to wake up at 4:30-5:00am before-while now, I struggle to be out of bed by 5:45. Please pray that I can be more diligent in rest and in waking up in the morning-because the fatigue is just not going away.
I also ask that you pray specifically for the drug rehab center that I mentioned to all the churches. There are some things going on that could potentially change a lot. Most of these things will happen within the next two weeks. I know God is in control of these changes and these things, but please pray for the people involved and please pray specifically for "Mark" as he confronts rumors and a serious topic surrounding this situation.
Also, continue to pray for our Administration-our curriculum coordinator is pregnant with her third child (she is the prinicipal's wife) with a 5 1/2 year old and a 2 1/2 year old-I think this one was a surprise! Praise the Lord that we have almost a full staff coming-so hopefully this will give her some relief.
Our new staff started arriving late last week and will continue to arrive until the 9th of September. :) I'm getting really excited about them and I thank God for the things that He continues to teach me and really humble me through His creatures, His creations.
Smash was awesome last week-the kids were so in tune with each other-it was completely amazing how they just blobbed themselves together-no matter how they were seperated last year. We were all equally surprised and yet so very proud of their more than adult behavior. They are an amazing! I'm praying for my discipleship group-even though I don't know what that looks like exactly yet......

Heavenly Father, thank you for allowing me to lose-lose it all for the sake of knowing You more. Please help me to lose more of myself so that I can become more like you. Thank you for my Saudi Arabian and I pray that as he travels that he takes Your sweet Words with him and cherishes them in his Muslim community. I pray that as You hang on to him-that He will one day stand strong for you. I also pray for my little Kuwaiti family and their precious mom-who is suffering from homesickness. I pray for all of us who will teach these children in the future and show them Christ's love. Thank you for such amazing opportunities. Lord, please help Mark and this situation....I know You will get the ultimate glory-even as it is hard for me to see this... Please help me to get rest and be diligent in my study of Your Word and with You.